Hidden Current

Amidst the most painful week of my life, I have found beauty.

There is a place I do not understand, where the storm surge waters swallow every part of me, drowned in grief and tossed by a current which undulates in violent twists of fate and fury. Deep in these waters where gravity and equilibrium have left, where sunlight flees, the abyss looms and hope is nowhere to be found.

It is here that a hidden current is discovered, warm and sublime, enveloping me in a fundamental sense that something greater sustains me. Something stronger than the storm that rages, deeper than the abyss, more material than the very water molecules entering my lungs. A love so powerful, so tangible, unspoken, vibrant and real, transcending pain and fear and devastation. This warm current tells me I am loved. I am not alone.

It is in this current, below and beyond and within the gale force winds and swirling waves, that I have found beauty this week. Your words of love and support. Your gifts. Your hugs and prayers and food and quiet service have sustained us in our greatest hour of need. I never knew. I never knew.

None of us know until the darkness plows down the edifice and we are stripped bare. It is in this darkest hour that we have found the love of our God through the love of others. It is the most visceral experience of spirituality I have ever known. I am in pain, but I am loved. We are loved. We have felt every ounce of care you have sent us. We weep for the loss of our son, and we weep for the overwhelming love received from our beautiful friends.

Under the waves. Amidst the pain. The beauty I have found is love. The beauty I have found is you. Peace and grace, always.

I love you, Isaac. I miss you so much.